The Onion and other satire w/ layers“Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,” said the Kentucky Senator, presumably lost in thought at the magnitude of the Republicans’ defeat.
Absolutely vicious!
Maybe he will be finally allowed to rot in peace?
did he have a stroke?
no for real can they make his people prove he's... not animatronic? like fuck
I hate to break it to you guys but it looks like he's happily shitting his pants. He'll die soon but someone is cleaning up his mess.
You alright there mitch? Give us the thumbs up
He's like some docile zombie. May he be experiencing hell in this state of living death.
I hope he's miserable and in terrible pain. But I know that fucking over the dems would be his dying wish, no matter how morbid it went; hopefully they'll let him die now but seeing how underwater the GOP is in the senate I wouldn't hold my breath.
Thanks, I Hate It
This gif legit freaks me out. That weird perma-smile is just so uncanny valley, it's creepy af.
The uncanny valley of likely a disease detection and avoidance system. In those pictures, he looks like he has significant brain damage. You're supposed to feel some revulsion, to keep you safe.
Yeah, I read at one point that that is exactly the evolutionary purpose of uncanny valley. So you steer clear of people who seem almost human, but not quite right. Since they were generally sick in some fashion, like you said.
Now you know how the rest of the world feels about USian mandatory smiles in every human interaction.
Gtfo with that noise. Intentional smiling is encouraged by zen teachers worldwide.
I enjoy smiling. I enjoy being happy.
Weird definition of "mandatory" you have
That’s the look of a man living life to the fullest
Living?
Fuck, did they embalm him??
if terry schiavo had a back brace she would look like this
This Goa'uld needs a new host body
Indeed
I want a confirmed heartbeat on that, I've seen 60s Disney land animatronics with more liveness!
Hot stock tip: formaldehyde
The Onion is just...good at this, aren't they?
This is The Beaverton good sir.
The either has to be italicized or lowercase, and it's such a little thing but it's driving me slightly mad.
Might make you less mad to read the italics as emphasis. because they're emphasizing just that word because, that's the one word that needed to be changed to correct the mistake.
No no no, it's like The Ohio State University
Screw that I'm rooting for An Ohio State University. Go Kent State Dodgers!
But that’s how everyone says it!
stop, please, I can't
I hope he's lucid enough to know what's going on. It would be a great way for him to go out, knowing his party is in a shambles.
Just perfect.
The Beaverton has no chill.
Bro looks like someone destroyed his phylactery.
been calling him litch mcconnel for years
To be fair, he's speechless anyway because he's basically brain dead. They're probably pumping him with so many chemicals to keep him from keeling over at this point.
Thank you, that was the joke
He used to be speechless. He still is, but he used to, too.
I wonder if Republicans will finally (and coincidentally) discover that he's "died."
Expect that news later this week
Weekend At Mitch's
He looks so happy!
He's getting the best healthcare (that he worked so hard to block for the rest of us when they were gutting the ACA).
I always thought that they should have the same healthcare that returning soldiers have. Put them all in the VA.
Turns out the best US healthcare can straight up reanimate the dead.
LIVE
Proof?
He's speechless after a bowel movement too the old cadaver.
Actually what's up update on him?
ask his taxidermist
Chuck Testa?
They should give him the Lenin treatment.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lenin%27s_Mausoleum
Come back Mitch, we need you for one last 'vote'.
He's in trouble. After the mid-terms, his MAGA handlers have decided they don't need him anymore. They're just gonna squirrel him away somewhere, probably facing a corner until he expires, and hope people forget about him. Archaeologists will find him one day, thousands of years from now, covered in dust, grinning like a victim of Joker venom, and mistake him for a large paperweight.
Down to only 8 firing neurons. On the low end of average now for a Republican.
I think the summary is, he's still undead, and they're keeping him away from any cameras. Looks like he hasn't contested his seat, so he will retire in January.
retiring in Janurary, but what's the status at the moment with his seat and the responsibilities that comes with?
My only legitimate lol today from this. Thanks onion!
You gotta hand it to him for being consistent
This is fucking great
well, duh. you gotta pull the string.
“There’s a snake in my boot!”
Absolutely shameful he won't give a statement on this. He now has a democrat coworker now in Alexander Hamilton or whatever the guy's name was and this turtle man won't comment on it?
So as it turns out McConnell is the senator for KENTUCKY, not Kansas. Doesn't matter, he doesn't know either.
Headline of the Year
He was speechless before, it's just he's also speechless after.
Low key Mitch Hedberg
Rest in Potatoe Chips Mitch.
(I just think he'd like to try that)
