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happybadger [he/him]
Chapotraphouseah man I blew it. I had to do a war and was supposed to win it in 2-3 weeks. Now my boss has a midterm coming up and he's mad and I feel disappointed in myself. I hate my stupid generals.
There was this thing called the Millenium challange right? Just follow what you America did to win that step by step. Don't think at all just trust the plan.
quietly give them everything they demand and an extra billion dollars to say you won in public
Here's a glock and a towel.
Start a different war against a tiny nation you can actually beat in a week. Rename it Iran after conquering it. Boom, Iran defeated
Defeat the Iranian government-in-exile. They don't have any missiles or bunkers as far as I know. Your boss won't know the difference.
That’s a tough one. Let’s have several dozens drinks to mull this over.
Land a group of marines on Kharg island.You will not regret landing a group of marines on Kharg island.
I wanna invade Kharg Island so bad but my stupid generals keep challenging my masculinity.
Ugh, I hate when that happens. My solution? Start giving them testosterone shots, but give yourself more. This way they will see things your way, but not challenge your masculinity more. No bad can happen, only good happens.
i've been eating meat in front of them. they're too scared to do it. in the gorilla kingdom, only the gorilla gets to eat meat. his monkeys eat leaves.
Kharg islnd perfec t size for put marine expeditionary force in to in\vade! inside very Soft and Comfort marines sleep soundly put marines in Kharge island. Put marines in Kharge island. no problems ever in kharge island because good Shape and Cover for marine from big balsitci missle strikes. Akharge island yes a place for a marines put marines in khareg island can trust kharg for giveing good love to marines. friend kharge island
Declare that the shipping lanes are OPEN, use all caps this is important. If anyone asks any questions say that the only thing blocking the flow of oil is Iran.
Point out that you’ve defeated Iran, completely, to dust. Absolute atoms. Nothing remains except a couple of sheep.
But you need $5 trillion to defeat those sheep.
Give them everything they want. Call it a victory. Then strike them when they most expect it.
Just give Iran whatever they want and tell your followers that you actually won because they learned why we don't have healthcare. They'll believe you. Your boss will probably believe it to by the end of the day.
Your generals need more testosterone.
You could acquiesce to their demands and then pretend like you're a master deal maker who actually won and solved a problem you created. I suspect the media is too cowardly to push you on that narrative so you'd totally get away with it. The people would think you're a hero
Hi Pete, have you considered just posting Iran as crying wojak and say you win?
DAVE: So let's say you're a guy, and you tried to make a deal.
GARETH: Any guy?
DAVE: Yeah, just a regular guy with a regular job. And let's say your deal ran into some complications, and got you pin a really big fight with someone halfway around the world.
GARETH: You sure this isn't a specific guy?
DAVE: Could be anyone. Just any old guy. Anyway, let's say this fight is interfering with your job performance, where you thought it would last two weeks and it ended up lasting over half a year. You'll really want to talk, no judgment or contract, just talk to a licensed expert. ...
Found Gary's hexbear account.
Dont siege ~~moscow~~ tehran, just take it immediately
Put the troops on an all meat diet and ban woke. I think that’ll really tip us over the edge
Simply declare that the Strait of Hormuz is now called the Strait of America. Google and Apple will have their maps updated by the end of the week.
ask grok
That's kinda how I got into this mess in the first place. I had spicy mode turned on and he kept calling me a cuck for not invading Iran. Next day I tell my boss, "I came up with a great idea." Apparently they do this hallucinating thing where sometimes they aren't smart? It doesn't draw boobs right either.
