Narrows it down a bit, I guess đ€·đ»
(midwest.social)
Curated TumblrThat he was not attractive the bible makes quite clear.
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when we shall see him, there is no beauty that we should desire him. (KJV)
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He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. (NIV)
https://www.biblegateway.com/verse/en/Isaiah%2053%3A2
This is because looks don't matter
American here - babies, temples...? Enough of your metric system insanity, I need this in football fields.
Anyway, we do know Jesus wasn't poor. The Wedding at Cana was a very upscale event - based on the specific types and amounts of expensive anointing oils mentioned in the text. "A poor carpenter's son" would have been there waiting tables for some extra money. Being a guest tells us he rubbed shoulders with some high rollers. His father Joseph might have been a top craftsman with wealthy clients.
i donât remember from which book, but i have a memory from catholic school of his hair being described in the bible as âwoolyâ. did i make that up?
I googled it because it sounded familiar; [book of revelations (https://www.gotquestions.org/Jesus-hair-like-wool.html) (i.e the bibles "Epilogue"!)
Since he's dead and this is a vision, I think they were actually trying to depict him as literally being a sheep in this passage. His hair is not just wooly but white, too.
Jesus was compared to a lamb so often because jewish tradition had lambs slaughtered on passover, for eating. He is "the sacrificial lamb" - Jesus's crucifixion was seen as him sacrificing himself on passover, if I understand correctly. I only mention this because it's one of the interesting elements of the religion that people don't fully understand the significance of because its actually rooted in the existing Jewish traditions.
There's also the whole three in one thing.
So probably a bit overweight at least.
The temple market he overturned tables at isn't covered and wasn't then either. No upper limit, bigger than a baby but we can infer smaller than a planetary body to some extent. The temple is technically just the largish building in the middle.
He is whatever you imagine him to be. You just gotta have louder faith than everyone else.
jesus is an anteater
Also we know he fit at a dinner table, right?
half a dinner table, i saw the painting
Depends on the size of the table, I guess đ€·đ»
Fair, but given he was poor we must assume it's a typical size table for seder of the time and place
Except his dad was a carpenter, so he probably had some excess lumber hookups for building oversized furniture..
Yeah but have you ever had a parent deliver furniture for you while you're couch surfing? Especially in your 30s
This one time, my dad skipped the middle man and just delivered the couch with me already living on it
He had at least two arms.
Said he was white though right? Right?
According to the internet, a grown ass donkey can carry up to around 80kg, and the good book says Jesus was riding one, so we should assume this is somewhat the upper limit for his mass
So what are his density extremes based on this? (I am too lazy and hungry to do that calculation right now. Besides, just because I know he was "smaller than a temple" does not mean I know the likely size of that temple to get a true volume bound...)
Good question. Low enough density would explain the water walking
It's been said he's pretty holy, so probably not very dense.
I'd let Jesus ride my ass
Are you ready for his coming?
I'm on my knees every night begging for it
The second coming:
Oh my god! I'm coming! Again!
Get behind me, Satan!
Pull my hair, Satan!
In the book of Matthew, it says he rode two donkeys.
Matthew and Luke copy a lot of stuff from Mark, which was written first. The donkey story is there to fulfill prophesy. It was prophesied that the messiah would ride a donkey into Jerusalem. It also said he would be a king and vanquish their enemies and rule in peace and prosperity, but the New Testament authors figured riding a donkey was close enough.
So Matthew geta to the donkey story and reads the original prophesy. It says "Behold, your king is coming to you, humble, and mounted on a donkey, and on a colt, the foal of a donkey."
This is a poetic way of writing about a single donkey, like saying "he drove a car, he drove a red car."
But Matthew, frankly, fucked up a lot of stuff that he wrote, and he doesn't know this, so he changes everything to plural to fit the prophesy.
So everybody else writes that Jesus had his disciples bring a donkey and they lay their cloaks on it and he sits on it and rides to town. Matthew has them bring two, they lay their cloaks on them and he sits on them and rides to town.
It's unclear how he rode two donkeys. Was one donkey on top of the other and Jesus on top of that? Was it jean Claude van-damme style with him doing the splits between them?
At any rate, if the donkeys spread the load he could have weighed 160kg.
By the way, these donkeys are stolen. Jesus tells his disciples that there was a house back there that had a donkey (or two), go get it (them) for me.
That was a damn fine rabbit hole to go down just to get to the point of setting the upperbound of the Jesus size limit to 160kg.
Was it jean Claude van-damme style with him doing the splits between them?
Was thinking exact same thing reading this comment, and now I can't get that thought out of my mind
You didnât have to say âgrown ass donkeyâ you could have just said âgrown ass.â
Grown ass-donkey
ass grown donkey
The XKCD hyphen bot is one thing I absolutely do not miss about Reddit.
We need that here.
Sorry.
I think that the person you are replying to meant that the donkey had a fully developed rear end (capable of carrying a heavy load), so it would be a "grown ass ass".
That is on average I presume?
Maybe the donkey was on steroids.
He could walk on water, does that give a lower limit on mass?
We can begin to extrapolate further. Broke bread, walked on water, ascended.
Christ was a duck.
Presumably hollow limbs that he could fit fish and bread into, and at least some kind of capillary network infused with some form of alcohol
Yeah, everyone here seems to forget magic was involved here. For all we know he could have been 12' tall and light as a feather, with retractable beard and 5 legs.
I'd say an upper limit on his density, if anything.
Ha or maybe he was as light as a water strider.
maybe he was three swarms of bees in a trenchcoat
No that was magic. He also applied the water walking buff on one of his friends, who then right-clicked the buff off and found out he can't swim
Well then, how can we be sure he didnât just cast the donkey riding spell?
I checked the shaman's spellbook and they don't have that spell, only Paladins have that
Edit: to clarify, I believe Jesus was a shaman because he could walk on water, resurrect from death (ankh), and as a carpenter he was probably well capable of crafting totems. There's also documented cases of him going melee combat (with tables, mostly) and healing others too
The food trick implies that he had a friendly mage though conjuring food, though he took the credit for himself
jesus is famously a warlock, what with the getting his power from a patron deity thing.
But then he was also descended from said deity, so celestial-bloodline sorcerer would also make sense?
And through weird extradimensional time shenanigans he is also said deity? I don't understand it myself, but I'm told it makes sense in 12 dimensions.
He was also briefly undead, likely a revenant given the unfinished business.
All of this depends on the edition of the lore you read though. In the beginning he was probably just a warlock multiclassing in cleric, then a supplemental edition has him ascend to demi-god status, which was later ruled actual divinity by a local authority once the franchise changed hands. Later, some of it was retconned and toned down for being too OP in another rulebook, but famously that rulebook wasn't very well accepted even though a sizeable playerbase still exists.
There are later editions where the pathway to divinity is laid out and Jesus is one of many gods, but that rulebook is still considered niche despite some disproportionate influence.
so you're saying lich
Unless they had stronger donkeys back then.
Could have been a lot of selective breeding for decreased stubbornness sacrificing load capacity as a tradeoff during the last two thousand years.
They could theoretically have been capable of hauling 500lb behemoths without breaking a sweat but unwilling to follow any comnands đ€·đ»
Btw grown ass donkey đ
The donkeys were smaller in that period
The mastodonkey
I think you'll find the correct term is asstodon
Something from the Avatar beastary.
I think we can be pretty sure that he was no T-Rex though. I've never seen someone try, but I'm confident that you can't crucify them with their short arms.
maybe Jesus mk 1 was a t-rex (not Korean, like Best Jesus) and didn't have the upper body strength to protect His flock from meteors
You really had me going at first. But then you dropped the truth bomb in that last sentence.
That doesn't really say much wrt size, though..
It is my undisputed and always right opinion...
...that he must have been a pretty large dude to carry that cross.
So about as big as an Elepanth. That is smaller than a temple.
Rev 1:14-16, New International Version has Jean-Baptiste's account of Jesus's appearance:
14The hair on his head was white like wool, as white as snow, and his eyes were like blazing fire. 15His feet were like bronze glowing in a furnace, and his voice was like the sound of rushing waters. 16In his right hand he held seven stars, and coming out of his mouth was a sharp, double-edged sword. His face was like the sun shining in all its brilliance.
He has white hair. â
Yeah but that's Revelation. So it's like when Gandalf comes back as Gandalf the White. It doesn't mean his hair was always white.
i prefer gandalf the mocha. he had goooood hips
Mfer was just hunting dragon balls
It's like looking into the past
Nailed it.
I think Jesus was a Witcher.
That's just his SSJ form though
Hmmm. Depending on how you see it he did get stroger after a near death experience. So that checks out.
nothing in there about clothes, hmmmmm
Big Jeezy hangs dong, brother
and not just one dong. Big Jeezy has dong enough for anyone who wants to borrow a few (See John 6)
a lot of this description is fire related, maybe they just caught Jesus at a bad time?
White hair, "blazing" eyes, a shining bright face... did Jesus have albinism (with sunburned feet)?
Did he yell kamehameha?
They didnât have words for it then, but that was the 7 stars in his right hand
All hail Ultra Instinct Jesus, Amen
I thought the seven stars alluded to the dragon balls? It's been a while since I studied Scripture though
And a sharp tongue, which isn't usually a physical description.
Complicated way to say he was a little bitch who would talk shit.
Maybe he used it for cutting his veggies. We will never know
I mean I'm not a Bible expert but do we have bounds on the size of the temple? Because until we do, Jesus's size is still unbounded above đ€
There would be some geological record if he'd manifestly affected global tides. So, less gravitational mass than the moon, for sure.
People are reading that passage wrong anyway. Most Bible scholars agree that just because Jesus fitted into the temple doesn't mean he would fit into the temple at all times. When he was in his giant mecha form, Jesus had no upper bound on his size.
Well the temple is on Earth, so smaller than the Earth, probably.
And made by humans, so no bigger than the largest human-made structure
Solomon left some rather precise measurements so that would give you an idea of dimensions, I think.
We can estimate from the remains of structures so establish a theoretical upper-bound. If I had to guess, I'd say he was 7 ft, since as far as I know, 7 is the Hebrew number associated with perfection.
They prolly did not use american imperial units tho
Imperial units didn't come from America.
I know but USA imperial units are different from UK ones, just like how american english has some differences with standard english.
I assumes they were using USA imperial units since IIRC UK now also uses metrical units to some degree eg: they use centimeters to measure people's height
Edit: i may have confused UK and Canada in the last paragraph https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metrication_in_the_United_Kingdom
Good point. Could have been something akin to St. Peter's Basilica, or could be more like Cross Island Chapel đ€
I donât think they could have constructed saint Peterâs basilica at this time or anything near the size of those archers, there is like a 1500 year difference between the two.
Side note: Iâm not religious, but St Peterâs basilica is probably the most impressive building Iâve ever seen in my life. Someone feel free to recommend competitors.
TBF, with religious buildings, magic is on the table.
I'm over here trying to imagine the possibility that Jesus didn't have a beard.
So John the Baptiste was a nazarite and they donât cut their hair or trim their beard. Jesus takes over Johnâs mission, and there no lines from Jesus explaining why his hair is trimmed or excusing hair or anything. I know itâs popular to note thereâs no reason to think Jesus was a nazarite but fundamentally I think we can conclude he likely was.
What if Jesus was one og those dudes who can't grow a full beard? We will never know
God wasn't focusing on beards when visited that season.
Well, Mary Magdalene washed his feet, so we know he had a pair of them. But she didn't trim his beard, or shave him so that stays undetermined, yeah.
he had a pair of them
You mean at least two of them. All we know for sure is more than one.
Is that why Mary was so into him?
Cause he was a shlong tripod?
He fit on a cross. I assume those were fairly standard in size. The Romanâs seemed like real schticklers for detail and order. I canât see them going to Barneyâs Discount Cross Emporium to save a few drachma.
*denarius
drachma is the greek one
I think they'd rather construct a plus-size cross than not crucify someone properly.
This reminds me of my book analyses. Grasping at straws just to say something abozt characters.
"Abozt". One little letter change and all of a sudden the entire sentence can only be read with a cheesy German accent.
A single iota of difference...
The least narrow sandwich in human history.
