It's me, I'm new girl

After some thought and conversation on the current trans megathread, I decided to come out to the cool gay people on my phone.

Below is my original comment on that thread:

::: spoiler CW: dysphoria, depression, dissociation, feeling vulnerable, need advice I have posted in the trans megathread once about this. Don't know if I should make a post in here or on /c/chat or just this comment, I have been questioning my gender for quite a few years now, but I have also been dissociating for a while now. These past couple of days I have reclaimed some sense of clarity, and what I can now confirm is that whenever this happens, dysphoria comes kicking in like a train at full speed. I keep telling myself that I don't know what I am, that I could be a girl, or could be an enby, but I feel it clearer than ever now, I WANT TO BE A GIRL! Fuck, I'm almost crying just typing this. If my emotions weren't so stunted from years of depression and dissociation I would be balling my eyes out right now.

I have been watching a bunch of videos from trans creators these past 2 days. There's still this voice inside my head telling me what if I'm faking it? What if I'm wrong? What if I'm making a mistake? What if I'm rejected? What if I regret it? What if I'm abandoned by my family? What if I'm just pretending?

I'm autistic, have ADHD, depression and a lot of social anxiety. I most likely have OCD too and I'm an overthinker with negative confidence. I was medicated for depression and ADHD, but I had to drop the ADHD medication because it's to expensive and I depend on my dad for anything money related, I don't work, I never worked before and I can't even begin now because I live in a rural area of a very, very small city with no car. I don't even got a degree because I dropped from university 2 weeks in. I have been living here with my mom for months and we haven't gone out once because of that, there's not even public transportation anywhere close by, the road here is pretty dangerous so it's not like we could go anywhere by foot either. It's made worse by the fact we are basically broke. My psychiatrist recommended me to apply for BPC, basically a minimum wage salary you can get every month from the government destined to old people and people with disabilities, but I need to go there in person and there's no way to do that right now, I have been wanting to go there for months now. I'm basically a NEET.

There is the possibility of we moving out in the next month of so, but I don't hold any hope not to be disappointed. If I wasn't medicated, I would be much worse right now, and I'm already feeling pretty shitty by being stuck on this man body.

It sucks that I have no one close by that I can talk to. All my friends don't even see my messages, let alone reply to them, and not a single one of them is queer, so I can't talk to them anyway. Besides, they all use some sort of ableist and homophobic language, so that makes me not want to talk to them about that. And despite having a "good" relationship with my mom, we don't have the type of relationship where I feel like I can be open with her. I mean, the thought of just telling her doesn't leave my head, but I never do. She reacted way better than I thought when I told her I was bi, but also worse than I hoped for. Being alone just sucks.

The only person in real life that knows this about me is my therapist, but I haven't been able to talk to her in over a year now, and we didn't get to explore this.

It also doesn't help that I have always had self-image issues due to bullying when I was a kid. I've been overweight for my whole life, and I have been obese for more than a decade at this point, so even if I transition, that is still gonna be an issue affecting my mental health. Maybe my depression is linked to my gender, and transitioning gives me the motivation to finally fix that, I don't know.

So I want to ask in the only place I trust, what do I do comrades? Yeah I'm pretty sure I'm trans, I really, really, really want to be a girl, what now? What do I do? The reason I use any pronouns in my account is because wanted to test something different, but that never felt right tbh. I have been in denial about this for so long that I even have a small list of names to pick that I have been thinking about for more than a year at this point. My egg has finally fully cracked, but the chick inside is too afraid and traumatized to come out. Sorry for the wall of text, I don't have anyone to talk to. :::

Please feel free to comment on any of that and give me tips, it's very appreciated.

Also the amazing Petra Parker posting happening here and on BlueSky might have had an effect in me suddenly creating the courage to come out here (and probably there too).

I almost forgot, I do have long hair, but I haven't had a hair cut in a long time, in fact it's a bit too long for my taste, if anyone have recommendations that is not overtly feminine since I'm still in the closet for my family, I would also appreciate.