How good are you at spotting bad ones?
(midwest.social)
LadyButterfly she/her
WomensStuffOutside of a couple of sizable errors, I've generally always had a good vibe sensor. Most bad people have an approach to things that gives them away if you're sufficiently cynical. The obvious things I've used:
- How do they treat service staff? This is a HUGE giveaway that most of the bad faith actors don't even realize gives them away.
- Watch their eyes when they think they're not being observed. WIndow reflections and such are great tools for this. Where are they looking at me? Are they looking at me or the cute waitress when my head's turned?
- Listen carefully when they speak. A quick calculation of what proportion of their speech is grievances over things done to them speaks volumes.
- How do they cope with disagreement? Even the best social chameleons tend to fail at this one.
- Do they even ask about me?
- Do they listen as well as speak? (And by "listen" I don't mean "wait for their turn to speak" either.)
These are some of the obvious ones. Less obvious (and harder to communicate) ones include a whole lot of body language.
I know not ALL black people are violent. The issue is I don't know WHICH black people are violent.
We get it. You're in the meme and you don't like it.
The problem is that it's not all men, but it's somehow always a man
Spotted the bad faith actor.
In general I cannot tell who is genuine. People who I have thought were genuine have lied to me even when I’ve given them chances to be honest letting them know I had video footage. Lied like angels. So, I admit I have not a clue and just avoid people in general.
I have autism and same, I've been burned so many times and I attract narcissists like nothing else
The bad ones are the ones bragging about how nice and good they are. 100%, every time
Make yourself secure and see who tries to talk you out of it.
You said it so much more concisely than I could!
Honestly? Really, really good at it. I joke that I can practically smell when a man is a sexist asshole from a mile away.
There’s something to be said about people’s word choices, mannerisms, and general personal conduct that gives away a lot about them.
If I don’t pick it up immediately, then it’s revealed if I dare to push back on something a man says or disagree with him. Even if I’m engaging in jovial conversation with them - their attitude turns right away.
Once you get burned by an abuser, you get wise to the signs
I'd like to say I can always tell but it feels like it's all of them. To the point that it's practically a miracle to find one that gives me good vibes.
Maybe there are some false positives in there but it hardly seems worth the risk, you know?
I can't blame anyone for feeling that way at times. I felt really similarly when I was younger.
And then I gave birth to a son. That really forced me to look at the nuances of men's struggles in a new light. Which isn't to say that I give more men a pass - I've become more militant about cutting toxic men off and calling them out. But I have new depth to my empathy for men's issues.
There's good ones out there.
Perhaps I am so harsh on them because familiarity breeds contempt. I am attracted to women and manage "not being a creep" just fine. I have a dick and have no problem respecting consent. I had testosterone coursing through my veins for the majority of my life and still managed, though not without some (admittedly painful) introspection, to unlearn much of the misogyny, racism, ableism, homophobia, xenophobia, and transphobia with which I was raised, and I didn't need estrogen to do it (although I am much happier now that my egg has cracked!)
I do not think that anti-racism, anti-fascism, and anti-sexism are much to ask. I do not think that a proactive anti-queerphobia is too much to ask. And yet it seems so hard to find! (And of course such men are never single - which isn't much of a surprise given that I see so many women settling for far less in a partner 😥) But even in terms of making friends, it's such a desert out here.
It seems like every time I meet someone male-presenting who is all these things and interested in me (as friends or otherwise), they almost always turn out to be transfem. (Which is also fine, because of course I love transfems!) But it does strike me as odd that i'm both poly and attracted to men and yet haven't been with one. I don't even really have many guy friends (and not for lack of trying)! I feel so, so bad for all the straight girlies out there, I don't know how y'all manage 😣
I do not think that anti-racism, anti-fascism, and anti-sexism are much to ask. I do not think that a proactive anti-queerphobia is too much to ask. And yet it seems so hard to find! (And of course such men are never single - which isn’t much of a surprise given that I see so many women settling for far less in a partner 😥) But even in terms of making friends, it’s such a desert out here.
Maybe proximity is a factor as well. I live in an area that is more left-leaning than most of my country and some of the men who live here are here because of that factor.
I ended up re-marrying a man even though I thought I would only settle down with another woman after my divorce. He's one of the most emotionally intelligent and kind people I've ever met in my life. He's not transfem, though he's incredibly open-minded about gender and sexuality and gender roles. But then I start to feel weird waxing poetically about what I find so attractive about some men here because it feels like a "not all men" kind of statement and I'm always conscious of not invalidating others' experiences.
I do not think that anti-racism, anti-fascism, and anti-sexism are much to ask.
You're 100% correct here. It's not too much to ask. And a lot of men act like we're asking for the world when we ask for this.
Sometimes women are attracted to men - I don't think expressing your love for a man who treats you the way you deserve is against the spirit of this space. Your experience is just as valid as anyone else's.
It would be different if you were using your perspective to silence others but I don't think that's something you would want to do.
It would be different if you were using your perspective to silence others but I don’t think that’s something you would want to do.
Never! I do hope that your path crosses with some good men in your future though :)
I seem to have found one in my ttrpg group, but he reads as very queer to me for some reason I can't put my finger on, so 🤷♀️
I guess only time will tell 🤣
Online? Really good at it. In person? Not so much.
Good logic for being a racist too
On other occasions, like this, it's rather easy to tell WHICH man.
No, it's good logic for dismissing objections to personal security and reasonable precautions. Which abusers are constantly complaining about not only women but minorities doing. Black panthers walk the streets with legal firearms, fascist jackboots descend upon them to turn it into a problem. Women want to carry mace in their purse or have single use unisex bathrooms with lockable doors, some asshole man complains about how little faith women have in him.
Don't be racist, don't be sexist, don't play shocked pikachu when oppressed demographics don't give the oppressing demographic the benefit of the doubt while they're still under oppressive conditions.
only if you're racist against the race in power
I'd argue enablers are almost as bad as offenders.
