Love is letting me cook alone
(midwest.social)
CoupleMemesMy wife keeps telling me to play Overcooked with her but keeps getting upset in the game about everything, especially the rats and cockroaches 🤣. But yeah she also hates it when I'm in the kitchen when she is cooking even when i offer to help. When i cook she also doesn't want to be near me 🤷♂️
Kneading dough is a one-person job. There is no need to bring an extra pair of hands into this. What kind of psychopath do you have to be to want someone to reach around you and touch the same dough you're already kneading. I think I'm gonna throw up.
It can, but you better be cleanup or prep if I'm cooking.
It works if you establish who’s the lead and who’s helping before you start.
You do that by figuring out who is more enthusiastic about shouting "Yes Chef!"
I assure you, my current gf is like master chef and my notably “cute” dishes are demanded because she loves just helping. “Yes chef” is said frequently to a point where we’re just giggling, but i know it turns her on so I let her do it.
If you walk in my kitchen while I'm cooking I'll cut off your dangly bits.
Nah, cooking with my wife is great. And it's best when neither of us necessarily has to delegate tasks. Figuring out which tasks need to be done and and which order can sometimes be a huge cognitive load! That's why if you ask someone what can you do to help they might get mad, you've asked them to take on the mental load of how to make you useful.
Instead a much better approach is too look at what they are doing and think for yourself what needs to be done! Uncut veggies that need to be chopped, ask if they want you to chop the veggies. Dishes piling up in the sink? Ask them if they want you to clean the dishes. Are they making something that needs boiling water, like pasta or potatoes? Go ahead and get a pot of water boiling. It's much better for someone helping to not just complete the task, but to identify it too.
With my partner we often swap between different styles, if it's something she wants, she's in charge but I still try to find ways to help without her asking to do it. Other times the roles are reversed and she's helping me. For big events like Thanksgiving, we are both overwhelmed and will often know what needs to be done and just do it, no one's in charge, we are approaching this like a team.
If your partner never wants you in the kitchen, it's probably because you're useless and have to be babied to handle the simplest of tasks. (Which is not always bad, not everyone can cook, but everyone should be able to do dishes!) Or in a really small kitchen where there just isn't space.
But the same is true if you are a guest, my friends have gotten pretty good at seeing what needs doing and will just do it! Helping with the dishes, setting the table, making cocktails, etc. Making themselves useful without adding to someone's cognitive load that is hosting people or making a meal. However it is very frustrating when a guest who is not familiar asks how they can help, they don't know where anything belongs, so they cannot effectively complete any tasks without being micromanaged, including dishes, because some things can't go in the dishwasher and they won't know what those are! The best things guest can do in these scenarios is usually to bring already made items, like drinks, or prepare them ahead of time, or only need widely available appliances to finish, like 10 minutes in an oven to brown a casserole.
You make a good point about taking on the cognitive load when offering help. I would only add that care should be taken when offering to wash dishes. Partly because it could be perceived as a criticism of the dirty dishes piling up, and partly because some people are very particular about how they get washed or loaded into the dishwasher. So use your good judgement and experience with them to phrase the offer nicely.
It all depends on the people. Like if I have an overall plan for what I'm making, someone coming in and trying to fill in the blanks themselves to help might just frustrate me because it's either not in the plan or requires modifications to the plan.
Like with chopping, for some things the style doesn't matter but for others, it's important and I wouldn't be happy if someone chopped the carrots instead of shaving them or something like that.
Or for putting a pot of water on to boil, I like to do all prep first before the cooking because I found that the quality improves a lot if I can put my full attention on the timing rather than juggling finishing prep and cooking at the same time (not to mention things that need to be stirred to avoid burning and the like). Putting a pot on early will end up rushing me.
I don't get bent out of shape from any of this, but whether you should ask where to help or just jump in where you think it's needed depends on the person.
Edit: lol just noticed that you had a similar exchange with someone who posted a comment more along my mindset lower down in these same comments.
Definitely it's gonna vary by person, by a lot of it is about approach.
It's still always going to be better to ask someone if they want you to complete a specific task, rather than what you can do to help.
This also probably varies by culture as some people are not comfortable saying no to offers of help, even if they don't want it.
Everyone is different, and everyone has different experiences, so definitely be mindful of all of these things in how you approach this.
That being said, many American men in particular seem to be guilty of this lack of thought, thinking they are be useful by offering help but not realizing that managing them is its own task. Or worse, and and not offering help at all, and defending it by saying things like "well you never asked for help".
Bullshit, I love it when my partner hangs around the kitchen while I cook. We get into all sorts of silly discussions or deep philosophical debates.
I especially love when my child is in the kitchen because I have the chance to teach them new things, or they tell me about their day, or vent their frustrations, or tell me a cheesy joke ect.
Only grumpy assholes wouldn't want other people in the kitchen and frankly I don't care what grumpy assholes want.
A lot of people are just control freaks about their living space and they can't stand someone doing something differently than they'd do it. My mom was one of them for sure. She was also a shitty cook.
I'm not a control freak and I find it really hard to be around people who are, and goddamn there are a lot of them out there.
I'd just like to find someone who actually cooks. Everyone I date thinks cooking is gross and basically lives off those meal box services. I haven't met anyone who likes to cooks in over a decade.
I have a tiny "one-butt kitchen" and I would also be uncomfortable using a sharp knife with anyone crowded over me as close as in the picture. But I love(d) cooking with my kids even if we had to spill over into the rest of the apartment, and now when they visit I "sous-chef" by washing and prepping the vegetables ahead of time, making sure they start with all clean dishes and an empty dishwasher to put the used ones in, and making delighted noises about how much more beautiful their dumplings are than mine, that kind of thing. And later I rearrange the dishwasher to my liking/best efficiency, because it's only when you have all the dishes that you can really determine the best arrangement.
My wife and I have both worked in a kitchen, when we are both in the kitchen it works really well, but there are discrete tasks and we don't hoverr over each other or any of that shit. And we call behind and turn pot handles in and put towels on hot handles and keep knife blades turned down. All the little things.
You ever find yourself saying that shit in a store? Can't tell you how many times I almost barked behind into some old woman's ear on accident. I've never done it, but I've been close.
I work in construction now and I still do it and its still a very useful habit.
I'm thinking of bailing on the industry. Full of fools full of themselves and half baked chefs. Hours suck, workload is sometimes stupid and you either work at a decent place with dicks and assholes or a shitty place with decent people. Or somewhere in between. No winning.
I'll be honest though fuck construction dunno how you made the switch, good on you.
Last I checked, everywhere is looking for tradesmen. It pays better than a kitchen but the conditions can suck a lot worse. And its infested with some of the stupidest motherfuckers I have ever met. Some of the very smartest to. Pick your poison.
Been eyeballing jobs that offer to pay tuition. Maybe an apprenticeship as an electrician or something reliable
I did that. Can recommend. Trust no one, test everything and you'll be fine.
My brother is a chef with similar gripes about the industry. He finally found a job running the kitchen for a retirement community. Set salary, full benefits (including four weeks of vacation), and he's home by 8 o'clock every night. He's been there four or five years now, and he wouldn't dream of leaving.
Might be something to look for?
I've considered it people refer to those jobs as "retiring" which is pretty funny but they're always very reliable
Only if they're teaching.
Or, if you have a big enough kitchen.
And, maybe two stoves.
Two kitchens, that's what's needed. Two whole kitchens next to each other, then you can cook together.
Don't fucking tell me how to chop onions, I've been chopping onions my whole life. I don't care what you saw on YouTube. And, yes, I just cracked an egg on the edge of the bowl, do you SEE any shell in the egg? No. Because I've been cracking eggs that way longer than you've been alive. Go grind sea salt, or something, leave me alone.
In some parts of Asia nice homes have two kitchens. A show kitchen and a used kitchen. Sometimes the used kitchen is outdoors.
Rich people having extra shit they don't use is a global phenomenon
Everyone who actually cooks wants free help, they just want to decide what the other person does, and for that person to otherwise stay out of their way.
Someone's willing to peel / chop for me? Great! They're willing to get an early start on cleaning so I don't have lots of dirty dishes, knives, bowls, and pans cluttering things up? Awesome. Sometimes just a clean pair of hands to open a jar while my hands are goopy is amazing. I'll even accept someone giving a quick stir to something on the stove so it doesn't burn if I'm busy with something else.
But, for it to work, they have to know what they're doing. They have to know what not to do. They can't get in my way, they can't take over something I'm doing, or offer unsolicited suggestions. And, if they take over something I was doing / would have done, they have to do a good job of it.
I work well with my sister. If she's cooking, I'll ask if she needs help, and only do the things that she wants help with, staying out of her way otherwise. But, I hate when my mom is around because she'll do things like snack on the ingredients I'm using, or, even worse, add her own ingredients to something I'm making.
This is not quite universal! My wife in particular does not like assigning people on how to help her, as that is additional cognitive load on how to make someone useful to you, she much prefers people either stay out of her way, or help by just looking with their eyes and see what needs to be done.
Do agree they need to know what they are doing too, having someone who doesn't know how to chop veggies the way you like them and just start doing is definitely no good, but after sometime cooking with your partner you should know what needs doing and how to do it.
It's fine if you're not a control freak.
Love is get the fuck out of my kitchen.
We got into a katsu phase and it was really pleasant to be cooking together - one person breading, the other frying. Love is frying together. 💞
Breed together...
Ewww no thank you!
There's a non-zero chance of a life threatening stabbing.
With a non-zero chance it was an accident.
I don't cook well but I don't mind a partner helping. It's easy to delegate "cut this onion" or "wash these dishes". Maybe if I had higher food standards it would be a problem.
That's more to have a commi (I don't know what's the English word for it), like someone who does all the menial things per your orders than "cooking together" IMO.
"Sous-chef"
I like having my husband sit at the counter while I cook, but he provides something to listen to. He does not help cook at all. I don't really want the guy with cerbral palsy to be dicing anything though. He does empty the dishwasher and fill it, as long as I've brought in the dishes from elsewhere in the house, he can't transport them that far.
I think people are too insecure to accept being the prep chef or the heat chef. It cuts down on cook time if you can have someone chopping as you stir. I don’t need a second person manning the spatula or cutting, I need washed, prepped veggies or someone at the stove. If you’re uncertain whether something should be put away, just leave it. Simple as
If you’re reading this, you probably suck at delegation, you’re overly particular about how the other half is done, or your partner is inept. And that’s where the issue lies, figuring out where to improve.
I'm reading this, and what you describe is how I roll, I chop chop, she stirs etc. Except onions, I'm the onion stirrer.
Congratulations on being functional in the kitchen! Sounds like you guys recognize your capacities and work through them rather than ineffectually inserting yourselves into situations. Excellent skills to have!
Exactly.
Everyone gets a role, and communicate. I often do the veggie chopping because it's an undesirable task and I'd rather take the grunt work off my better half. I'm also a little faster at it.
But yea, we're constantly talking about where we are in a recipe, what's next, if there are any other timings to get right (sides, noodles, rice, etc).
100% please chop some veggies for me so I can focus on not burning shit. It goes quicker that way rather than having to prep everything beforehand.
For simple, tedious tasks, by all means. Let's sit in a circle around a pot snapping green beans, shucking corn husks, shelling peas/hard-boiled eggs, wrapping dumplings/tomales. Spread the work load, share in the quality time and conversation and contribute to a shared meal. Great.
If you want to get another cutting board and knife and help me peel, chop, and shred to prep some ingredients before the cooking has actually begun, I wouldn't be mad either... provided you can follow simple directions like how big your chopped potatoes should be... and provided you are not a threat to yourself and others with a knife like my wife.
But when I have 3 pots and pans on the stove, two sheets of roasting veggies in the oven that need tossed regularly and I'm trying to keep my eye on everything, time the cooking, prevent burning, etc., or I'm running in and out of the house between the counter, the grill and the sink... Get the hell out of my way. I love my wife, but she is no help in the kitchen.
Only if the other person knows *exactly* what I'm about to do.
Everybody I know knows to leave me alone in the kitchen unless I specificallyask for something. It's gotten to the point where I can honestly and literally tell people to "get the fuck out", without them feeling scorn. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It all started when I was prepping Christmas dinner for extended family, and when people were arriving they somehow thought it was OK to hang out in the kitchen just chitchatting. I started giving them things to do, such as emptying the dishwasher, loading it, scrubbing a pan, etc, until they realized I was mostly giving them busy work as I ran out of tasks to delegate. "If you're hanging out in the kitchen, I'll assign you something to do. If you don't want something to do, get the fuck out!".
