HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST

if you have a preferred week please tell me

Disaster_of_Passion* (5/4 - 5/10)
sodium_nitride* (5-11 - 5/17)
peanutbuttercupola* (5/18 - 5/24)
Shaleesh* (5/25 - 5/31)
GayTuckerCarlson* (6/1 - 6/7)
SwitchyandWitchy* (6/8 - 6/14)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

Thank you all for the movie recommendations I'll have to check some of those out.

::: spoiler I dunno probably some dysphoria shit or something Is there a gender where I want to look cute and feminine but it’s way too much effort and pain and money so instead I’ll just look like a man until I die? :::

I want a gf soooo bad. I was hanging out with my friends and its not that I have a crush on her specifically, but the way she acts, looks at her partner, just having someone close like that. I want a gf. Why no gf :/

People really look at turquoise and think its green huh

Ome thing you learn from HRT opening up your emotional spectrum is that nobody taught me how to regulate my emotions and I feel like a chaotic mess all the time with an inability to have stable views of myself.

::: spoiler Tap for spoiler

Thinking about what a lifetime of torture staying in the closet would be, even my guilt ridden and psychologically disturbed brain finds it to be a severely disproportionate punishment to my crimes.

Like cmon, at most I deserve 10 years of torture. That's fair. Anymore is pushing it.

:::

Tofu sandwich and limoncello soda

I spent like an hour addressing 20 letters to my gf this morning, hard boring part done and with some cute forest animal stamps ready the fun part of actually writing them comes up where I write them. Gonna head to a botanical garden tomorrow for inspiration write it like she's besides me to give a feel how it'll be when we go there together

Update: got tacos. Fuckin stuffed.

Sooo tired from work today. Going to hangout with a friend after too.

I need to decide how much it bothers me she/her bf don't gender or name me.

Just feeling bleh today... I think this job is draining my life force. Should hear by the end of the week whether or not I'm moving forward to the final round of interviews for the trans-friendly job though

Never trust a cissie, not even on hexbear. They will betray you.

USA gas prices just hit its newest war time high

Sorry not sorry to any car drivers here but I hope gas hits $10 a gallon

So, I've seen people mention here before applying a bit of testosterone gel to the balls to keep everything functioning while on E.

I asked my Dr about that and he said it's not a thing, but I trust people here more than him.

Anyone able to point me towards more info on this/ have experience to share?

Also, I don't have any gel rn, but my bf does T injections and has extra of that stuff I can use. And idea if that'd work? Like, rubbing that liquid on my junk, not injecting it lol

::: spoiler idk even

If I had the option of becoming a lesbian I wouldn't mind. Like if there was a button to make me not attracted to men I'd be willing to press it (but not compelled). If there was a button for me to not be attracted to women I'd not want to press it.

But then if I imagine a happy future for myself it consists of a heterosexual marriage with 3 children ...

What do we call this type of orientation? Repressed lesbian with heteronormativity brainworms?

But like, my attraction to men is real. Why else was I fantasising about kissing my male teachers when I was a child who knew nothing about lgbtq topics?

God this shit is so confusing. WHY DO I WANT TO BE A LESBIAN?????

:::

::: spoiler botton surgery stuff The number of transbians Ive been with casually before bottom surgery who have now told me they dont actually like vagina is kind bumming me out 😭, wtf I cant believe the only thing they wanted from me was my dick :::

Can't believe I'm getting university credits for taking glorified personality tests and glorified hanging out with people and glorified ass-kissing/begging/corruption (they call it a part of your "self-assessment" and "professional skills" and "networking").

Can anybody recommend a good trans movie? There must be more than The Matrix and I Saw The TV Glow.

I walked past a window today after putting on my favorite outfit and doing my hair up nice and I almost cried. It's been 3 years of hrt almost, and 5 years of social transition. I made it y'all. I didn't just see a woman in the reflection this time, I saw me. I had to keep glancing back, every time I thought I'd be gone, replaced by the unfamiliar image that I usually see, but no. Every time I was there, looking as familiar as when I imagine myself.

It's done, it feels like the hard part is over. At least for me, in this one way, I won. I think it was 10 years ago that I convinced myself I couldn't transition because it was too late or I'd just never be happy with where I'd end up, I couldn't even imagine a path from where I was to anything I'd want to be. Eventually I realized that I'd have to try, but the doubt always remained. But I beat it, I won against it. Not just in battle day but the whole war. I'm here to stay for as long as I've got left, and I'm gonna enjoy the hell out of it.

::: spoiler spoiler Scrolling through tiktok. >me because I took a double shot of estrogen. (she's extremely pretty, passing, tbh wouldn't have clocked her. Scrolling muted so idk what her voice was like I guess). Think autisticly to myself that's not really how that works. Then think about how unfair life is that some people just get to be women. Decided to see when she transitioned. 17.

if only teenage me wasn't stupid. I don't have any pictures of then handy so I guess I can't exactly know how much better off I'd be.

I think about this too much. Was thinking about it earlier today too. How much different and better life would be. I know it doesn't matter and I shouldn't think about it. But idk. I hate transitioning late. I hate how puberty fucked me. It really does just feel like life is over :::

-be me

-guy at work who is quiet, seems a little odd but harmless

-surprisingly chill about my transition the whole time, no comments, corrects staff who misgender me

-no egg vibes at all

-much later on Facebook see you might be friends with a woman

-shes very beautiful

-shes very clocky

-picture is of her at wedding to the guy at my work

-mutual friend is a trans friend of mine (I'm not friends with him)

-huh dudes rock

So apparently dating apps have lots of trans women and all of them like other trans women

Today marks three years nicotine-free.

Never thought I'd get this far.

Fun fact: Charlotte von Mahlsdorf had a brief cameo as a bartender at a queer club in DEFA's 1989 movie Coming Out, the GDR's film aimed at destigmitizing gay relationships following the sudden reversal of queer policy in the mid 1980s. In that sense, it is a spiritual successor to Magnus Hirschfeld's 1919 silent film Anders als die Andern (Different from the Others).

::: spoiler breaking down I'm so exhausted. I hate working to 8pm and I have to do that for 3 days this week. I was on the verge of crying in the middle of my sessions for the past 3 hours. I fucking hate pretending like I'm okay. FOR THE FUCKING HOURS. I'm so exhausted and I just want to be held. And I want to throw my laptop out the window and never have to open it again. But things are going to be the same exact way tomorrow. I have exactly the same schedule. I hate this job and I want to leave it but I need the money. Fuck this.

I also got hit really bad with longing for my family to accept me. I have one (1) family member who sees me as a woman and they barely talk to me anymore. I message her a bunch of stuff over several months and at some point she responds to everything in one fell swoop and then the cycle repeats. We don't talk. I fucking love this family member so fucking much but we don't talk. I feel so alone and I wish I had family. I really wish I had one fucking family member I could actually talk to who actually cared about me. I want to be loved and I want to be cared about, but literally 0 of my own family want anything to do with me. This is nothing new. It's just hitting me really hard today. :::

Gonna save all my mushy feelings about my partner for the next love letter I'm gonna send her, the first one made it. It's just so much goodness being able to express how I feel to her like this

::: spoiler cw: horni I'm so girl horny today. I want a strong gf that protects me and gives cuddles. And then I can cook for her and have a great time together. :::

@BountifulEggnog@hexbear.net mexican food really goes hard, you were so right for that. I made some pico de gallo and it was incredible :)

::: spoiler sadposting put off my E shots for like 3 days because i was too busy being a miserable alcoholic to do anything about it and now i feel bad, who could have thunk? :::

I'm getting so sick of silly hypotheticals online.

There's this blue button red button one right now. The whole world picks a button red or blue each.

If more than half the world picks blue everyone lives, if more than half picks red every blue pusher dies.

Reactionaries are like "everyone should just push red and we'll all survive", other people are like "if we all push blue we all survive including anyone who got confused".

It's being used a culture war difference thing.

But like the world doesn't work like that. There is already a red button and only 1% is hitting it to kill all of us, including fools who think they also have a red button. Argh.

Dying of natural causes at 74 despite living through nazi germany 1 (1871-1945) and nazi germany 2 (1990-now)! That's a pretty happy ending.

(Well ok dying at all isn't a happy ending but immortality does not exist unfortunately)

The wikipedia article on her has some disgusting framing:

Her life could be described as that of an outsider who survived, no matter the ruling ideology, during the Nazi period, Communist-controlled East Germany

Yeah cause surviving the fucking holocaust and surviving a government that let her run a whole ass museum and gave her a mansion rent-free are the same thing.

Her Autobiography 'I Am My Own Wife' is available to read on the Transread website. Link to the page here

The book was a decent read through of her life and experiences.

::: spoiler List of Content Warnings for the Book, likely more but the obvious ones

• Transphobia
• Homophobia
• Nazi Violence and Atrocities
• Domestic Violence
• Sexual Assault
• Descriptions of Sexual Activities

:::

::: spoiler horny

Am I allowed to horny post about boys? Cause I'm getting vivid daydreams about passionately making out with boys and the horny feeling is siezing my whole fucking body and god this shit is so intense. 1

:::

Less than a week till I fly out and see my gf again

::: spoiler final vacation update, mild content warnings

::: spoiler depressing topic and background transphobia

Kinda crazy how much "life advice" talk my parents have thrown at me in these past 4 days. Besides just not wanting to ever come back because of this, it's all fucking useless cause it's nothing more than passive discouragement and generic platitudes.

I cannot count the amount of times I've been told "you can tell me anything".

Even though I'm a coward and a loser, no temptations of theirs will make me betray myself and the woman I have chosen to be!

Perhaps these words are dramatic, but they are true and I stand by them till my dying breath.

:::

Been working on my coding game a bit more. First comment. This is my current implementation of polyculture. So crops "desire" a companion within a small range of a specific plant. If that plant is on the desired coordinates the first plant gets a 5x multiplier when harvested (more when upgraded). This is kinda my third attempt at the problem. First try I thought it was a direct neighbor and wanted to try just flying to whatever neighbor was desired, planting and then going to that plant's desired neighbor and then looping back at some point. Because the range is bigger then I thought this approach took wayy too long. The second was very similar to this, but I was recording what tiles desired within the tile object itself, so I had to iterate over every tile to get the list of tiles that desire a crop on the square I'm on. With this rewrite I store that information directly on the tile, so each object knows where all the crops that desire a specific crop are. This saves lots of compute time (most actions take 1 game tick, planting takes 400. So with looping over the whole grid before making a decision I was losing 100~200 ticks every time I planted.)

Further improvements, I wish I was using a proper 2d array instead of the janky array, the 1d array works because I loop through tiles the same way every time but I think 2d would be easier to visualize and let me change things about the system more easily. Biggest reason I haven't is because I'm not sure how to compare and prioritize which crop should be planted on a specific square. Sometimes multiple plants pick the same tile, but obviously only one of them can get what they want so I pick the one that will be harvested next. Also want to generally clean up and recomment my code because some of this is old from the second revision.

I think this is working properly but I made some big changes last night before bed.

::: spoiler code `
def poly_culture(): def coords_to_index(x, y): size = get_world_size() return y * size + x

# array of objects
poly_field_array = []

for _ in range(get_world_size() * get_world_size()):
	poly_field_array.append({
		"i": None,
		"plant": None,
		"cords": None,
		"desired_by": [
		]
	})

while True:
	# i is the pointer of the square we are on
	# later we will prioritize the lowest i value higher then we are currently on,
	# because it will be the first harvested
	i = 0
	
	
	for j in range(get_world_size()):
		for j in range(get_world_size()):
			harvest()
				
			# planting logic
			
			# get list of all plants that desire a companion on current square
			current_desired_by = poly_field_array[i]["desired_by"]
					
			if current_desired_by == []:
				plant_type = random_choice((Entities.Grass, Entities.Tree, Entities.Carrot))
			
			elif len(current_desired_by) == 1:
				plant_type = current_desired_by[0]["desires"]

			else:
				# if we are at i = 120
				# we pick 130 instead of 140 or 50
				# if we are 170 
				# we pick 4 instead of 70
				best_match = None
				for obj in current_desired_by:
					if obj["i"] > i:
						if best_match == None or obj["i"] > best_match["i"]:
							best_match = obj
				
				if best_match == None: # if there was nothing slightly higher, wrap and get lowest
					for obj in current_desired_by:
						if best_match == None or obj["i"] < best_match["i"]:
							best_match = obj
							
				plant_type = best_match["desires"]
				
				
			# actually plant crop
			if plant_type == Entities.Carrot:
				if get_ground_type() == Grounds.Grassland:
					till()
				plant(Entities.Carrot)
			else:
				if get_ground_type() == Grounds.Soil:
					till()
				plant(plant_type)
			
			poly_field_array[i]["desired_by"] = []
			
	
			# log desired companion of whatever was planted a second ago
			plant_type, (x, y) = get_companion()
			
			target_i = coords_to_index(x, y)

			poly_field_array[target_i]["desired_by"].append({
				"i": i,
				"desires": plant_type
			})
				
				
			i += 1
	
			move(North)
		move(East)	
return  

` :::

::: spoiler irrelevant nonsense I'm just yapping

It is surreal to watch the "chair guy" meme that has recently gone viral. The one where this artwork gets editted with other people/characters. I've even seen edits of "chair guy" being replaced by fucking jeffrey epstien and diddy which is how you know this shit has gone too far.

If you want to know why this shit is surreal, here is the origination of the meme

1. Shitty chinese video game called "jian wang 3" exists
2. One of the talented players named Ibuki Satsuki makes a collection of webcomics about featuring characters and random situations
3. One of these side characters is "Sun Tuo" (a doctor who is the master of the MC of the fan comic) and has a scene where he is sleeping in a chair
4. Ibuki Satsuki decides to make the "chair guy" artwork I showed earlier in this comment, which is basically a colored+scaled version of that sleeping panel
5. The reverend insanity fandom (yes, they are involved) steals this fucking artwork and somehow believed that this art was of the protagonist of reverend insanity (I also thought this for the longest time and was waiting for this scene to show up in the webnovel. It never came 0_0). The fandom is so convinced of this "fact" that they use this art to represent the novel.
6. The artwork becomes increasingly popular, escaping into the webnovel community due to the popularity of reverend insanity.
7. From there it escapes containment into other communities related to comics and novels and whatnot. People make edits with other characters
8. Somehow even that isn't enough for containment and the art breaks out into tiktok! This is where the meme becomes fully unhinged and we're well beyond stage 4 of baudriard's classification.
9. Stage 9 is reserved for when a sitting US congressman edits himself onto that fucking chair.

:::

Got through like all of sonics campaign in sonic rush without even knowing of the side kick, wtf dead line act 2 I thought was just impossible but nope I been playing it wrong this whole time

Dysphoria breaks you

Vaccinated and caffeinated, I feel invincible.

The idea of making or at least designing an ac system for a building would feel both daunting but also amazing, it's all a series of calculations looking up materials and charts and making the numbers fit with what you can get as close to as possible. I'm still practicing with each small step but I know I'll get there and maybe I'll be designing some venting system for a mall or something.

The rate of learning this is def backwards from what I hear people start as helpers on projects but seeing as I still can't find work learning all this is my cope to keep the dream going. I don't want this to be all for nothing

Really interesting mega topic! My sleepy brain thought the title was referring to a trans elder Dance Dance Revolution enthusiast lol

What do I even do about a passport? Suck it up and get a male one? Try to wait until 2029 and hope a new administration is in charge?

down with cis

::: spoiler nsfw topic mention :)

I had a really dumb daydream where I hire a sex worker to teach me how to do makeup. Not sure why my mind went to "sex worker" when a youtube tutorial would have sufficed. Do I just want interaction and am afraid of making new friends and approaching people? Hmmm, yes.

:::